All New.

Since I'm supposed to be preparing a lesson for youth group on Friday on the topic of Friendship, I thought it would be a good time to finally update the blog.

I've done a lot of things since I wrote last. I have NOT written the essay I'm supposed to write on Atlas Shrugged, because I've developed such a strong disappointment for the book that I firmly refuse to look at it again until I know for sure that I am going to college. I am eagerly awaiting April 30, when I will finally know whether or not I have joined this year's swelled ranks of disappointed Berkeley applicants.

I HAVE successfully kept the two of us fed over the three to four days a week we live at our apartment in Berkeley.

I have NOT spent a single cent of our money on clothing since the wedding. (Although I did use a Kohl's gift certificate to buy a pair of work pants and a pair of walking shoes).

I HAVE gone to the gym more than 10 times in the last three weeks. (This entails a 40 minute walk each way).

I have NOT lost any weight.

I HAVE gone through a difficult run of hormonal mood swings, ranging from slightly bored to more than a little depressed. But I am convinced that this is normal for newlywed unemployed women taking birth control pills. I don't know if I'm allowed to say that in public or not...

The good news is: I am still married to the best man in the world, and I am NO LONGER unemployed. I started working for Lindamood Bell again, the tutoring company I was at last summer. And I like it.

However, while the depression has left me for now, I am determined to keep the truth I learned in the meantime. Which brings me to the title of this post and this blog: All New.

Edwin and I started this blog in the space of fifteen minutes as a way to communicate wedding information to our guests. We didn't think much of the title, all that it meant was this was a new blog, and we were starting a new life together. We stuck the "all" at the beginning to be reminiscent of the verse Jesus makes all things new, and because it sounded cool. This thought process took probably thirty seconds. Then we moved on to fill in the next box on the web page.

Little did I know at the time how relevant the word "all" would be to me as we embarked upon the adventure of married life. I knew that some things would be new: my location, my occupation, my last name, and the boy in the bed (who, thank goodness, does not snore!!). Not to mention all of the amazing cookware ^_^. But I didn't think it would ALL be new. In fact, for some things, I was pretty sure they would stay the same. Silly of me.

The most important new thing is my relationship with God. Before Edwin and I started dating, God and I were solid. We had spent the last three years getting to know one another intimately, and I was sure nothing could happen to what I had with Him. But I underestimated what it means to know God. Since I have been married, the way I relate to God has changed a lot. It has been very confusing. For months, I thought I couldn't hear or feel Him at all. But that story is a whole post to itself. It is enough to say, this is the beginning of a kind of knowing that I never imagined.

Proceeding down the line of things that are important to me, the next new thing is my self. Whenever I feel unhappy (as tends to be the case when I am depressed), I philosophize. I make a desperate grasp back at the beginning of time, and try to understand my current situation in light of the fundamental principles of the universe. This is rarely helpful. But I found it interesting to observe the kinds of questions I was asking myself: Why am I here? What do I want to do with my life? What is my purpose?

I think, somewhere deep down, my subconscious had always assumed that as soon as I got married, all of those questions would be answered. Marriage, after all, is the place where love is grown, and love IS the fundamental principle of the universe. Thus, if I live my life accordingly, I should be set, and my questions should be answered. Luckily, I still abound with questions, even though I am happily married. Life would be so boring otherwise.

So I did not find all the answers. But I did find out that, as is the case with my relationship with God, my understanding of who I am as a person is becoming something new. Rather, I am becoming a new person, and my understanding of who I am is consequently changing as I do. I don’t know why I am so surprised that this happened. It actually happens every time I go to a new place. But I experience the change more drastically in marriage, because Edwin is around all the time. The things I once used to identify myself—English literature, for example, and C. S. Lewis—I don’t have as much time for those things if Edwin doesn’t like them. He is not forbidding me to have my own interests, and I still do have them. But more and more, I find myself gravitating towards the things we share, so that we can experience them together. And it is good.

Coming soon: (so as to hold myself accountable for writing it) a Book Review on The Supper of the Lamb. Aka: Elanor gushes unabashedly about the wonders of this unbelievable cookbook/essay on love/“romp through the human condition,” as one review calls it, and does all she can to persuade you to read it.